ConSiderations: For the Love of Hockey

Disclaimer: My column is intended to be entirely satirical. It should not be taken seriously, and in no way should you actually implement any of my advice in real life. Smile, people.
We surveyed 100 people and the top 5 answers are on the board…Name something you do on Valentine’s Day:

Know what didn’t make the cut? Hockey. Know why? There are very few women in the world who would opt to head to a hockey game on the most romantic night of the year. Of course, there are some – the cool ones (I may be a bit biased there). Generally speaking, women push for the dinner/roses/movies scenario – not that there’s anything wrong with that! I personally don’t know what about the occasional slash, missing tooth or puck-to-the-face doesn’t scream “romance”, but I digress.
So guys, I’ve come up with some ways to interest your girl in hockey so that you’re not being asked to skip the game for Valentine’s Day (or any other Friday or Saturday night for that matter).
If you’re single:
You’re single. You can watch hockey when you want, where you want, and as often as you want to. That’s awesome.
I imagine the pipe dream, though, is to find someone who wants to watch hockey with you. And where do you find a girl like that? At a hockey game! Don your finest Isles-casual wear and head to the Coli on Valentine’s Day. Maybe strike up a conversation at Champion’s before the game, or at the team store between periods.
Or, if you prefer the less aggressive approach, park your car in the Coliseum parking lot, open up the dating app of your choice, condense your search radius to 1mi, and — Voilà! A bunch of girls at the game for the same reason you are. Swipe right, send a message, and meet up for a drink at Doolin’s in between periods. If she actually turns out to be as advertised, buy a ring and get it on her finger before the move to Brooklyn.
If you’re dating someone:
You can watch hockey when you want, where you want, and as often as you want to….but you’re going to hear an awful lot about it.
The key here is to find a way to invest your significant other in the game of hockey. Play to her weaknesses – is she into the silver fox type? Show her a few pictures of Lubo. Does she like cute little hair tufts and guys with perfect smiles? Introduce her to your friend JT. Does she like guys that can kick ass and take names? Helloooooo Matty Marts.
If that doesn’t work (let’s face it, it probably won’t), volunteer to cook dinner for Valentine’s Day instead of going out. That way, you can sneak a couple glances at the TV in the living room, and not be completely cut off from the game. It also helps to have a bottle or two of wine on hand in case she wants to take a little nap while the post-game’s on.
If you’re married:
If you’re married to a woman who shares your love of hockey, proceed to (a), if not, proceed to (b).
(a). Yes! Yes! Yes! You’ve made it. Watch the game with your wife. Then take her out to a late dinner, leave a babysitter with the kids, and remind her just how much you love that you get to spend the rest of your life with someone who watches hockey with you on Valentine’s Day. Then, you should probably try to make a child who will inherit your mutual love for the game so that future generations have the opportunity to live as happily as you have been.
(b). Ouch. This will probably be a point of contention for the rest of your married lives. Then again, you’ve probably dealt with this in the past and have a way of navigating around it. So I salute you, and your constant battle to making your hockey-less marriage work.
If her birthday is February 14th:
You are officially S.O.L. Birthdays trump Valentine’s Day, and therefore, hockey. And THAT’S why you always find out a girl’s birthday on the first date, my friends.
So there you have it: how to handle hockey on Valentine’s Day, or really any Friday or Saturday “date night”. I don’t claim to be a relationship expert – I’m 25 and my left ring finger is quite ring-less – but as a girl who loves hockey I figured I’d put my two cents in.
Looking forward to hearing your two cents as well on Twitter with the #ConSiderations hashtag.
…Tweet away, Isles fans, tweet away.